


The Empty Space that You Create

by brucebannerisms



Category: Hollyoaks
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-23
Updated: 2013-03-23
Packaged: 2017-12-06 04:36:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/731496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brucebannerisms/pseuds/brucebannerisms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ste loses Brendan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Like a Train Exiting the Station and Leaving Nothing Behind Except You

Ste Hay stumbled across the village in a daze.

All the things he said, all the things he didn't say, will never say. None of it matters.

His life, or what he thought was his whole life, gone.

Through a screen of tears and puffy eyes Ste didn't miss the calmness that had completely overcome Brendan. He wasn't going back. It was more than just the fact that Brendan has accepted this fate that made Ste crumble, fall to the floor in a sobbing mess, screaming Brendan's name. It was the look on Brendan's face that said it's all over, his life, their life, everything. No, it wasn't that Brendan was merely taking the rap for his baby sister. It was like he did it almost happily, this grim satisfaction, or was it complacency? Brendan Brady, finally, for once in his life, doing the right thing. And ruining Ste's life in the process.

Maybe one day, weeks, months, years down the road, Ste can acknowledge that Brendan looked so blank, so gratified, so content, because he was finally free. But today all Ste can manage is letting Cheryl leave.

Because let's face it, ask him 2 years ago if Brendan Brady was capable of taking life in prison to save his sister, and he would have said then that that's Brendan all over. He's nothing if not a loving and sacrificial brother.

Well la di da for them.

Ste bites his lip, hard, until he tastes the salty blood well in his mouth. He can feel his jaw start to quiver as tears fall down his face. It's like trying to hide from someone shaking you and screaming in your face. Except the opposite really, the absence of everything. Like when he stood at the station when he was a kid and the train would woosh past, blowing his jacket in the wind it carried, leaving behind a big empty space where it had just travelled through. His whole future just boarded a train and left the station without him, and all he's left with is the feel of the movement of the air and the blank space where everything he had had just been. All Ste can feel is the weight of the empty space stretching out in front of him as far as he can see. That's not true, all he can feel is that emptiness pressing down on him and the aching in his chest, the remnants of the wrenching pain of the past few hours, and before that the past few days.

All he can focus on is not falling to the ground and giving up on this whole walking thing entirely, so he keeps walking, leaning forward, shoulders hunched. He sees Cheryl in the square, for what he hopes is the last time, because he couldn't bear to see her again and continue to tell her they're making the right choice, even if it's what Brendan wants. She hugs him tight and he lets go just for a second, feels it all weigh down on him but holds himself together in Cheryl's arms. He hugs her back tightly. This is what Brendan wants. 

"I love you," she says. One second. Two seconds. Three. Say it back, you have to say it back.

"I love you too," he finally replies. And he does. She's like a sister to him...would have been a sister to him...could have been his sister-in-law...It's just hard right now. Tears stream down his face again as he turns and walks away.

Beelining for the flat, he doesn't notice the man crossing the square in front of him. John Paul swerves at the last second to avoid Ste crashing into Matthew's pram. 

"Oi!" He shouts, since Ste didn't even look up. All Ste can do is stare at John Paul. He can't find his voice to apologize, or the energy to care, so he just looks at him in a way he hopes is apologetic but is probably more horrified and mostly just soggy, and speeds up as he reaches the corner.

"A simple apology would have sufficed!" John Paul shouts in his direction, but not unkindly, as he turns the pram and moves along with a concerned expression on his face.

Ste can't help thinking about his own children, and what it felt like having a family with Brendan. Seeing Brendan read Leah a bedtime story, once he even saw her kiss her hair before he turned out the light. He thinks Brendan always wanted a girl. He remembers one night when Brendan agreed to watch the kids while Ste was working late at the deli. When Ste came home, exhausted, smelling of coffee and baked goods, he went into the kitchen to find Brendan waiting at the table with a cup of tea steaming in front of the empty seat across from him. He tries not to think too hard about how he can still feel Brendan crossing the room to the corridor, pushing him up against the wall, kissing him long and deep. He felt the tension from the night shift drop out of his shoulders, felt Brendan's body against his, a firm hand on the small of his back, the other around his neck, fingers in his hair. When their lips came apart Brendan rested his forehead against Ste's and just held him there, a feeling of calmness and serenity washing over them both.

"What was that for?" Ste managed to ask when Brendan pulled back to look at him, a smile playing across his lips, gazing longingly into his eyes. So happy.

"I love you," was the reply.

"You changed everything, Steven," was the last thing Brendan ever said to him. What does that even mean?

Like a train exiting the station and leaving Nothing behind. Except you.


	2. Chapter 2

Doug called Amy, Amy called Ste, they were on their way as soon as they could get out. Of course with Brendan out of his life there was the perk of seeing Leah and Lucas. He tried to convince himself this over and over again. His own sacrifice. Brendan for his children, one he'd always been ready to make. Unfortunately it was never his choice to make. Is it still a sacrifice if it's out of his control?

He told himself he'd keep it together in front of the kids, though Amy clearly doubted it when he said the same to her. Naturally, having Leah in his arms, the warmth, the comfort, seeing their faces again, he went to pieces. He tried not to let it show as he sobbed gently into the back of Leah's jacket but they were clearly confused.

"What's wrong with Daddy?" Lucas asked as Amy herded the children away while Ste tried to pull himself together.

"Where's Daddy Brendan?" Ste heard Leah ask. Ste put the back of his hands to his eyes and pushed until little white lights popped in the back of his head, propped against the divider between the corridor and the living room. He sobbed silently, pushed harder, cried harder. Nothing can keep the tears away.

\----------------------------------------

"I just think you need to take a few more days Ste, you don't look well." Amy said, leaning in the entrance of the kitchen, watching Ste move around the kitchen, going about the morning routines he's ignored over the past week. He's trying to act like he feels better, but his looks might be betraying him. He feels puffy eyed, pale, depleted, downright morose, and he probably looks at least as bad as he feels. Nonetheless, he places a mug on the counter and pours a cup of tea.

"I've got to go to work, Ame, the deli doesn't open itself."

"Well, it sort of does, hun, Leanne and Doug are both there to open it up for you, you need time to recover, you've--"

"That's not the point, it's my deli, isn't it? I've got to, you know, make an appearance once in a while or whatever, I own the place, I have to run it too. I need to do this, can't you see that?" He said desperately, seeing a look cross Amy's features, like she was considering blocking his exit.

"Ste, nobody blames you for needing some time."

"I've had time." And he had. Days of it, blank and stretching far beyond what he can handle. Days just staring at the ceiling, an empty space on the bed that Brendan once filled. When he did sleep, which was little and seldom, he dreamed of Brendan. Sometimes he'd dream of the old days, when things were really bad, when all he ever got from Brendan was pain. A lot of pain for a bit of pleasure. Other times it would start off good, Brendan as he was the past few months, tender and loving. Then he would change into this cold and non responsive man. Once he dreamed that Brendan was locked in one of the glass containers at Chez Ches where there currently live these weird 6 foot tall statues, a strange mix between a prison cell and a strip tease. Brendan Brady on display. He sat on a stool and stared out at Ste, a dull, uninterested smile on his face. "You changed everything, Steven," was all he would say, over and over again. Ste would wake up shouting and pounding on the bed which had moments before been the plexiglass divider. "What's changed!?" He would sob, pressing the pillow over his face as hard as he could to prevent any sound escaping. He didn't want to wake the children. One of the worst feelings was that he now cherished the dreams of Brendan on a bad day, a Brendan who would love him deeply one minute and give him a black eye the next. That was a Brendan he could understand.

"You changed everything, Ste, you made his life better," Amy told him, the first time he mentioned his dreams to her. Better? He still didn't understand. What was better? Brendan in prison and Ste all alone, that's better? He thinks bitterly that he'd rather an abusive Brendan than no Brendan at all. A thought best kept to himself as Amy had never been a tache fan.

"It's just a break-up, isn't it? Nothing new here in the village, and Ste Hay's a big boy, he can go back to work after being dumped just like everyone else." Ste says as he dumps his undrunk tea in the sink and bypasses Amy in the corridor.

"It's not the same thing, Ste! Please tell me you know that? Everybody else understands, you've --" But Ste is already out the door. He doesn't need to hear more pity, he doesn't need to see her look of concern, the softness in her expression and tone, he just needs to go to work.

\-------------------------------------------


End file.
